THE COURAGE TO MOVE FORWARD
A year or so ago I was neck deep in a situation that was making me question my beliefs, my commitment, and my ability to ride the waves that life can throw my way. I remember writing about it and wondering if my expectations were too high, or if I'd lost hope somewhere along the line. I was sitting in a pool of disappointment that wouldn't resolve itself.
Admitting that it wasn't working for me was quite daunting at the time - nobody (especially me) likes to admit they've failed in some way, but sometimes you just need to step away to breathe freely again.
QUESTIONING MY HEART
Walking away from a difficult situation left me questioning myself - Was it me? Am I on the wrong path? Am I quitting when I should be digging in? Why am I struggling when others aren't? I'm very good at the second-guessing game, and not giving my intuition credit for interpreting a situation and responding appropriately. Part of me wondered if I was letting the team down or if things would change if I waited it out.
Nothing is guaranteed in life, so it’s normal to doubt your choices. But if you’re honoring your values and being true to yourself, you’re making the best decisions you can. Whatever happens, you’ll never regret prioritizing the people and things that matter to you.
Tiny Buddah
Listening to what my heart was telling me, trusting my gut, leaning into my intuition - all these things seem a little "woo-woo" to the innately practical part of myself....but maybe 60+ years of living life and seeing how things play out should steer me towards going with what my inner self is telling me. I've come to see that thinking things through, but also knowing when to have the courage of my convictions and acting on them - that's where the balance comes into play. Creating some distance from drama can be a lifesaver for my mental and emotional health.
WHY AM I RE-VISITING THIS?
The reason why this is playing around in my head lately is that things escalated in the situation I walked away from, the issues that were triggering me in some way got bigger and messier, and the fallout from addressing those difficult areas has resulted in more upset and drama. My heart hurts as I listen to the damage that's come about, but there's also a deeper feeling of peace and inner equanimity because I'm not a part of it, and I'm out of the loop.
There is such a quiet sense of relief to know that listening to my inner voice has been the right direction to take. My only regret is not listening to it sooner - both in this situation and in my toxic work environment. The rescuer in me wanted to fix things, without realizing the toll it can take when when I was trying to fix the unfixable. If I'm the only person who sees the issue, then maybe I'm in the wrong environment and I need to make the change and leave things to play out in their own time.
BREAKING OUT THE POPCORN
When I was telling my daughter (a very sensible young woman) about what has been happening and how I was so glad that I've been on the outskirts of it all rather than embroiled in the middle of the implosion, her comment was "It's definitely a blessing to be out of there. Make yourself some popcorn and watch the drama unfold from the sidelines" - it sounds a little insensitive, but it reminded me to stay out of drama that's not mine to carry. Picking it back up again serves no useful purpose and only brings unnecessary pain.
Be grateful that certain things didn’t work out. Sometimes you don’t even know what you’re being protected from or where you’re being guided to in the midst of chaos. That’s why you just have to trust that greater things are aligning for you. Let go gracefully.
Idil Ahmed
I feel a sense of relief that I'm not there anymore, a sense of validation that my gut wasn't wrong, and an overlying sense of sadness for the mess and drama that inaction over someone's incompetence has created. Sometimes we need to confront people gently about their behaviour, and if we're not willing to do that, then eventually that behaviour will play itself out and the consequences will come home to roost. It's nice to be out of the action and quietly observing from the sidelines - hoping for a positive resolution, but not feeling the responsibility of trying to make it happen.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Have you found that your intuition has been right in a situation? How do we sit on the sidelines of a drama and not feel the need to jump in and save the people involved? There's a lot to be said for a peaceful, calm, and drama-free life....
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Hi Leanne - I have faced similar situations. Sometimes we are drawn into such scenarios, sometimes we choose to jump into them. Either way it can be extremely uncomfortable.
ReplyDeleteYou daughter is right. But it's not easy to delink and sit on the sidelines and watch what's happening. Strangely, that works very often.
Not all our intuitions could be right. Whether to act on them or not, is not an easy decision to take. The rule of thumb: act when we are totally convinced, because there shouldn't any room for regret later.
Also, in life, decisions are not always about whether they are right or wrong. What is more important is to do everything we can to make the decision, which we took, right.
(My latest post: The spirit of sports and games)
Hi Pradeep - wise words indeed. I think I was always too busy trying to fix things and to make everything better, rather than accepting that some things aren't going to improve and will only drag me down if I keep investing in them. I'm finally accepting that it's not weakness or failure to not be running around in the middle trying to save everyone while I stress myself out in the process....it's healthier to take a breath, step back, and check in on my own mental and emotional health.
DeleteIt's hard and sad sometimes to see something fail, but we can't carry the load of expecting every single thing to work out perfectly. Sometimes we just have to let it play out - and that's where the popcorn comes in. :)
Leanne, if more folks would act on the courage of their convictions and not succumb to self-righteous indignation, the world would be a better place. Sometimes sitting on the sidelines and eating popcorn is the best approach.
ReplyDeleteHi Suzanne - I always worked from the premise that I didn't want to be the person criticizing and complaining about everything - if it's not resonating with me, if it feels out of kilter with my values and expectations, then really it's up to me to step away. I'd rather be on the sidelines than caught up in the storm - I just don't have the emotional stamina for drama anymore - I thrive on peace these days. x
DeleteHi Leanne. My response to this insightful post, has really taken some thought, and I hope that it's on topic. Tim and I talk a lot about our past working lives. We had moved from Florida, to Maine, for Tim's job, with the Postal service, when our 2 children were still school-age. I taught preschool, at 2 different places, in the 10 years that we lived there. I left the first place because I didn't feel valued. The second job involved so much drama, and politics, that there wasn't enough focus on the care of the children. Tim had the same sort of issues, at his job. We both felt blessed, when he retired, and we moved abroad. Thank you for sharing, Leanne. I hope all is well. ♥️ Christina Daggett
ReplyDeleteHi Christina - what you wrote is definitely on topic.... I think we often put up with a lot that is grating against what we feel is right because we don't want to rock the boat. We often feel like holding on will mean that eventually things will change and ease off - unfortunately that's often not the case and things keep spiralling.
DeleteI find it really hard to give up on a situation, but when I find my resilience eroding and my happiness draining, it really means I need to act - I never want to hit rock bottom again - and if that means giving up, then I have to give up. Watching from the gallery has been so much less stressful than if I'd stayed and been a part of the fallout that's occured. It saddens me, but there's a sense of relief too (as you'd know). xx
Love the words "step away in order to breathe again" Your daughter is right. "Break out the popcorn"
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to look away when there's a train wreck happening to people you care about, but when the train driver isn't being held to account, inevitably there'll be a crash - and not being on the train is such a relief - but also sad when I care about the other passengers...
DeleteLeanne - This post deeply resonates with me. It's difficult and we often doubt ourselves as to what course of action to take. I have invested so much in situations (one-sided) that at the end left me feeling resentful, angry and betrayed. I was trying so hard hoping that things would work out but in order for that to happen, there has to be a willingness from both parties to make the necessary effort to work it out. Unfortunately, it wasn't always the case and some situations never got resolved and I had to walk away for the sake of my emotional and mental health. I am too trusting and now I am learning to set boundaries which is not always easy when you have been a 'rescuer 'all your life. Not every situation has a positive outcome or the outcome we wished for. Human beings are complex so that's why I like my nature walks. Peace to all of us!
ReplyDeleteHi Yvonne - and yes, to being a fellow rescuer and someone who keeps trying and trying...and trying... to fix a broken situation. Up until the last few years I'd have kept pushing through to the detriment of my own mental and emotional wellbeing, but these days I'm more willing to recognize when something is irretrievable and to let it go. It hurts my heart to do that, and it hurts it again to see the damage that has been done and the hurt that's been caused by someone who was unwilling to be accountable and to step up. That being said, not being in the middle of it has been a much healthier place for me - I can observe without being embroiled - and I can find my peace and pray for theirs too. x
DeleteYour lines that hit me were "...the mess and drama that inaction over someone's incompetence has created. Sometimes we need to confront people gently about their behaviour, and if we're not willing to do that, then eventually that behaviour will play itself out and the consequences will come home to roost." Sometimes we need to remove ourselves, and sometimes we need to try and make the situation better, by confronting the incompetence or the behavior. Knowing when to do each I think (confront or remove) is the challenge.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree Pat - and it makes it even harder when gentle approaches fall on deaf ears and excuses are accepted with the hope that there'll be change. I think that's fine at the beginning, but then stronger action is needed - and most of us are reluctant to be the one who tackles that. I waas very impressed by those who stepped up and did the hard work - and extremely relieved that we didn't have to be a part of it. Now we listen and comfort and support those we care about and leave clearing the mess to those who are in charge. Life never gets simple - we just learn what we can handle, and what to move on from. :)
DeleteDear Leanne, I am sorry I haven’t been able to log in to blogger to write my comment. I did try! Anyway, back to your post. It is so hard to let go when ‘We know how things could go’ but that is not how it happens in organisations, community groups and anything to do with voluntary work. Both B & I can attest to this in organisations that relied on volunteers not being ‘ok’ with said volunteers offering their life experience for free..so, we both left. These were charities and it was not nice in one case. So I get it! Denyse
ReplyDeleteHi Denyse - don't worry about the logging in - if you pop your name at the end, I know it's you - and I always love hearing your thoughts. Yes, you're right, it's knowing how things could be, and seeing how they're so far from that....that's what saddens me. Also when leadership tries to be nice and fails to tackle the issues until it's too late. It's good to be out of the main loop, but it still hurts my heart to see all the drama and pain that ensued from one person's unwillingness to be accountable. Sigh....
DeleteI'm a massive believer in gut instinct, the issue is, when you're in the middle of something, you can't see it clearly - and nor can your gut. (Does that even make sense?). I can't believe it's 2 years (almost) since I stepped away from the day job and when someone asked me the other day if I'd heard how things were going, I could honestly say I didn't give a faff.
ReplyDeleteHi Jo - I can't believe it's been 2 years either - time seems to whizz by when we look back - it's been 6 years since I walked away from the job from hell and 2+ years since I left the little finishing off job. I think the retirement zone tends to change how time feels. And yes, I'm becoming a bigger believer in intuition and gut feelings - I think experience, wisdom, and just "knowing" is where the wise women of history made their mark. I intend to be one of them!
DeleteThere’s so much wisdom in this, Leann, thank you for sharing. I really admire how you listened to your intuition and gave yourself the space for peace. I’ve found too that when I trust my inner guidance, it’s much easier to let others walk their own paths without feeling I need to fix things.
ReplyDeleteoops, sorry Leanne, I see I left out the last ‘e’ on your name. My apologies!
DeleteHi Sue - no worries about the skipped "e" - it's easy to do when your brain is processing a thought. I'm learning that being more intentional about where I invest my energy is becoming a big thing for me these days. I wasted so much time and head space on people and situations that weren't worthy of the investment, now my circle is smaller and I'm feeling less buffeted by the upheavals around me. It's a nice place to be. :)
DeleteHi Leanne - Such situations are so difficult especially when you are invested in an organisation for a very long time. I've had that happen to me and felt devastated. But like you, I trusted my intuition and the fact that things happening there went totally against the grain for me. More and more, I find that I'm listening to my gut and it leads me well! At this stage in life we can do without drama and toxicity.
ReplyDeleteHi Corinne - yes to all of that. I think we can be let down and disappointed, but we can learn from that and see the signs when it's happening again - and that's when to step away....not to wait until we're stuck in the middle of it all. I'm getting better at listening to what my heart and gut are telling me - and to accept that sometimes I have to leave rather than staying to the bitter end.
DeleteHi Leanne, I am at exactly the same place as you I think. For decades I felt it was somehow insensitive of me not to help others who seemed to be in difficult situations. Even when people were unkind I felt it was somehow me who was causing it! Something started to flag up in my mind as I got to my mid 50s that I wasn’t responsible for how other people felt, when I had no part in it and it often seemed they had landed themselves in the mess and continued to do so! In a way my mind flipped to thinking just who do I think I am believing I’m capable of fixing things for everyone. Once I saw it from this angle I realised I needed to stand back and in a way let myself off the hook. Now I’m 60 I follow that gut feeling because it’s usually right. These days I avoid drama and negativity as much as possible. Chrissie x
ReplyDeleteHi Chrissie - isn't it interesting that our mid-50's seem to mark a turning point where we get to do a deeper dive into what we've always believed to be true - and we discover that there's a quite a lot that can be shifted to one side to make room for a new perspective. I still want to jump in and save everyone, but I'm getting better at pausing and assessing to see if it's something that's their responsibility to deal with. Often the people in the biggest messes are there due to their own decisions and choices - and it's not my job to try to make them see life my way. Once I figured that out, it's been easier to live and let live, and to be more discerning in where I place my time and energy - another blog post in the making! x
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