GETTING MY CARE-FACTOR FIGURED OUT

I'm finally figuring out the balance between caring too much and not caring enough. It's about being intentional about my care-factor.

CARING TOO MUCH

I spent the first 50+ years of my life caring about too many unimportant things. I cared about what every person I encountered thought, I cared about whether they were judging me or finding me lacking, I cared about never wanting to fail or look foolish, I cared about being not enough or about being too much. I cared about everyone else's problems and how to solve them, and I cared about every world event that came on the news. I spread my energy everywhere, rather than conserving it for what really mattered.

It's been exhausting trying to keep up with the thoughts in my head - and my inner critic who likes to keep whispering in my ear about all that I should be doing to save the world around me. It often held me back from speaking my thoughts, and it made me second guess myself constantly as I tried to walk a line that wasn't even real. Trying to be who I thought I needed to be, to behave in a way that I thought was 'right', to keep all my ducks in a row - it was all so normal, and all so draining....

TRYING TO NOT CARE AT ALL

One of my first forays into getting over myself was trying to convince my heart that I wouldn't care anymore about all that stuff, that having a zero care-factor was the best way to handle life in general. It sounded great from what I read online, but it was just as difficult to navigate as over-caring. It wasn't an authentic way for me to approach life - because I do care, I do want to do the right thing, I don't want to upset the applecart, my inner compass just couldn't settle on not giving a hoot.

So, I kept circling around the idea that it wasn't healthy to care so much about so many things; but it was just as unhealthy to not care about anything at all. The key to my dilemma was finding that sweet spot where I cared about who and what was important, and could let the rest go. It was about not suffocating myself with all the 'what ifs' and discovering what really mattered and focusing on that.

FINDING A HEALTHY BALANCE

What I did notice as I began to dive into this a little deeper is that I've already started putting some of what I need into place - and that's the foundation I can continue to build on. Here are a few areas that I've made inroads into - with a link to some of the posts I've written about them if you'd like to read more about any that may resonate:

  • Intentionality:

Being deliberate about where I direct my emotional energy - focusing on the important people in my life and not wasting time and energy worrying about the people around me who probably aren't even noticing what I'm doing, I loved this quote:

When you're 20 you care what everyone thinks. When you're 40 you stop caring what everyone thinks. When you're 60 you realize no one was ever thinking about you in the first place.

  • Boundaries:

I've learnt what boundaries are and I'm working on establishing clear limits around triggering situations to protect my time, energy, and well-being. I don't allow myself to get embroiled in drama and upset anymore - and I'm learning that I can't rescue every lost soul. I can care - but from a place of protection.

  • Self-Care:

I've also finally admitted that I owe it to myself to prioitize my own needs, feelings, and well-being, because if I don't, I'll end up spiralling down and burning out. I'm of no use to myself or anyone I care about if I've over-extended myself and drained my own cup dry. I need to  operate from a strong centered core of certainty and equanimity.

  • World View:

A big one for me over the last few years is to take a breath and to be realistic about viewing world events with an understanding of what's within my control, and what needs to be understood without allowing it to weigh me down. I don't doom scroll, I don't get angry about issues that are beyond my limited scope, I have compassion - but I don't take on the burdens of what online algorithms try to bring into my world. 

  • Perspective:

One last thing I've noticed is that I'm reminding myself not to care so much about the irresponsibility or lack of care in others. I turn my eyes away from the small annoyances that my mind wants to dwell on, and focus on the beauty instead. For every weed, there's a flower nearby that can bring a smile.

SO FAR SO GOOD

So, that's my progress in getting my care-factor sorted out. I'm on a journey towards getting the balance right - I still get rattled by things that slap up against my boundaries, I still worry about things that are outside my control, I still care too much about what other people may be thinking....but nowhere near as much as I used to. 

I can't throw away 60+ years of who I am, but I can refine my responses, I can train my mind by what I allow into my thoughts, and I can focus my heart on the people and things that matter - and leave the rest in the hands of God.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

Are you drained by over-extending your care-factor? Do you feel the world is too loud and there's so much shouting for your attention? Have you figured out how to get the balance right? Any thoughts from you in the comments are always appreciated as I try to figure all this out.



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Cresting the Hill - a blog for Midlife (Middle Aged / 50+) women who want to thrive
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6 comments

  1. Jo Tracey13 October 2025 at 08:50

    For the very first time in my life I decided to eject a toxic person from my life rather than keep them on my bus. The reason? Disrespect. I can disrespect myself (even though I know I shouldn't) but I'm tired of allowing others to do it.

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    1. Leanne13 October 2025 at 16:54

      Go you! Jo - it's hard though isn't it? I find my heart still hurts when I think about the people I've needed to hold outside my boundaries. I feel less pressured and less 'performative' without them in my circle, but it's still sad to think that a) someone we know can behave badly, and b) that we have to kick them off the bus. Sending you a hug xx

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  2. Anonymous13 October 2025 at 10:16

    Hi Leanne. I still feel the need to follow what's going on in the world, and to express my opinion. I try not to let it consume me. I'm also still working on letting go of things that I can't control. Christina Daggett xx

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    1. Leanne13 October 2025 at 16:57

      Hi Christina, it's fine if you need to do that, I just don't need to see it in my FB feed or anywhere I go to for joy. I scroll on by, or I'll unfollow someone who only shares divisive "news" - I just can't let myself be dragged down by things completely beyond my control or understanding. I guess it's a case of each to their own - and what we decide is important enough to invest our care factor into. x

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  3. Anonymous13 October 2025 at 14:35

    Hi Leanne, I’ve lived my life in the same way, always trying to fit in and get along. I’ve also been over sensitive to issues I have no control over. Since retiring I’ve noticed that I am less concerned about people I’ve had to bend to fit in with. It’s been such a relief to have this life shake up! The realisation that once I’ve stopped behaving this way how easily people drop away, as they’re not getting my attention with all their drama! I still care deeply about some of the world news but I’m realising there’s only so much I can do to make any change there. I only have so much mental energy these days that I’ve learned to use it where it matters most and not waste it in pointless and unnecessary drama. Wish I’d done this years ago, but I think retirement gives more clarity and choices about where we spend our time and energy. Chrissie x

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    1. Leanne13 October 2025 at 17:00

      Hi Chrissie - you're so right about retirement and how it gives us the time to figure out what and where to invest our energy. I'm so grateful to not have to work with or for people I don't particularly like, and I'm grateful every day that I don't need to deal with drama anymore. In fact, I tend to be hyper-vigilant about anything that has a whiff of drama and I run for the hills - that goes for overly opinionated people, judgemental people, lazy people, and all the other people I used to try and please - not anymore, and I don't miss it. It's nice to invest myself where it matters and where it's appreciated. I think we might be on very similar journeys. xx

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