CARING TOO MUCH
I spent the first 50+ years of my life caring about too many unimportant things. I cared about what every person I encountered thought, I cared about whether they were judging me or finding me lacking, I cared about never wanting to fail or look foolish, I cared about being not enough or about being too much. I cared about everyone else's problems and how to solve them, and I cared about every world event that came on the news. I spread my energy everywhere, rather than conserving it for what really mattered.It's been exhausting trying to keep up with the thoughts in my head - and my inner critic who likes to keep whispering in my ear about all that I should be doing to save the world around me. It often held me back from speaking my thoughts, and it made me second guess myself constantly as I tried to walk a line that wasn't even real. Trying to be who I thought I needed to be, to behave in a way that I thought was 'right', to keep all my ducks in a row - it was all so normal, and all so draining....
TRYING TO NOT CARE AT ALL
FINDING A HEALTHY BALANCE
- Intentionality:
Being deliberate about where I direct my emotional energy - focusing on the important people in my life and not wasting time and energy worrying about the people around me who probably aren't even noticing what I'm doing, I loved this quote:
When you're 20 you care what everyone thinks. When you're 40 you stop caring what everyone thinks. When you're 60 you realize no one was ever thinking about you in the first place.
- Boundaries:
I've learnt what boundaries are and I'm working on establishing clear limits around triggering situations to protect my time, energy, and
well-being. I don't allow myself to get embroiled in drama and upset anymore - and I'm learning that I can't rescue every lost soul. I can care - but from a place of protection.
- Self-Care:
I've also finally admitted that I owe it to myself to prioitize my own needs, feelings, and well-being, because if I don't, I'll end up spiralling down and burning out. I'm of no use to myself or anyone I care about if I've over-extended myself and drained my own cup dry. I need to operate from a strong centered core of certainty and equanimity.
- World View:
A big one for me over the last few years is to take a breath and to be realistic about viewing world events with an understanding of what's within my control, and what needs to be understood without allowing it to weigh me down. I don't doom scroll, I don't get angry about issues that are beyond my limited scope, I have compassion - but I don't take on the burdens of what online algorithms try to bring into my world.
- Perspective:
SO FAR SO GOOD
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
For the very first time in my life I decided to eject a toxic person from my life rather than keep them on my bus. The reason? Disrespect. I can disrespect myself (even though I know I shouldn't) but I'm tired of allowing others to do it.
ReplyDeleteGo you! Jo - it's hard though isn't it? I find my heart still hurts when I think about the people I've needed to hold outside my boundaries. I feel less pressured and less 'performative' without them in my circle, but it's still sad to think that a) someone we know can behave badly, and b) that we have to kick them off the bus. Sending you a hug xx
DeleteHi Leanne. I still feel the need to follow what's going on in the world, and to express my opinion. I try not to let it consume me. I'm also still working on letting go of things that I can't control. Christina Daggett xx
ReplyDeleteHi Christina, it's fine if you need to do that, I just don't need to see it in my FB feed or anywhere I go to for joy. I scroll on by, or I'll unfollow someone who only shares divisive "news" - I just can't let myself be dragged down by things completely beyond my control or understanding. I guess it's a case of each to their own - and what we decide is important enough to invest our care factor into. x
DeleteHi Leanne, I’ve lived my life in the same way, always trying to fit in and get along. I’ve also been over sensitive to issues I have no control over. Since retiring I’ve noticed that I am less concerned about people I’ve had to bend to fit in with. It’s been such a relief to have this life shake up! The realisation that once I’ve stopped behaving this way how easily people drop away, as they’re not getting my attention with all their drama! I still care deeply about some of the world news but I’m realising there’s only so much I can do to make any change there. I only have so much mental energy these days that I’ve learned to use it where it matters most and not waste it in pointless and unnecessary drama. Wish I’d done this years ago, but I think retirement gives more clarity and choices about where we spend our time and energy. Chrissie x
ReplyDeleteHi Chrissie - you're so right about retirement and how it gives us the time to figure out what and where to invest our energy. I'm so grateful to not have to work with or for people I don't particularly like, and I'm grateful every day that I don't need to deal with drama anymore. In fact, I tend to be hyper-vigilant about anything that has a whiff of drama and I run for the hills - that goes for overly opinionated people, judgemental people, lazy people, and all the other people I used to try and please - not anymore, and I don't miss it. It's nice to invest myself where it matters and where it's appreciated. I think we might be on very similar journeys. xx
DeleteIt sure is an interesting thing this "life journey" we are on. Thanks for being so frank about yours & what you've learned.
ReplyDeleteIn becoming emotionally exhausted this year I've HAD to take on care of & for me as a first.
That's been HARD!
As a now reformed (only took 75 years) people pleaser I've recognised that I was behaving that way for people to provide me with praise & love.
It's sure been a game changer to learn to like & value myself.
I'm also noting just how many people I thought may have "cared about" me .. the ones I began connecting with in person when I first returned to Sydney..have not been in touch. One has & I value her friendship. Another couple have said contact us when you want to meet up again. what I've learned is that I am now self selecting what I CAN & WANT to do to remain self caring within my capacity. The HEAL method program I've mentioned from Alex Field in WA has been a truly supportive & innovate way for me to learn to care for me first & with compassion & kindness ... loved your post Denyse x
Well, another post from you that so resonates with me because you address situations that I have been going through. When I look back on my younger years, I wish I had held this belief in my heart and mind. "Respect yourself, and listen to your wisdom. See situations for what they are. Stop making decisions and taking action because you THINK this is what you should do, because everyone else is doing it." I so yearned to be accepted, to be well-thought of, to be popular, or at least admired. I cared too much about things that were completely out of my control, yet for years (decades!), I was convinced they were. Old habits die hard; I still want to be well thought of. But like you, and many above, I have removed myself from sources of discord, frustration, and lack of respect. Moving across country in my 60's and needing to make new friends has been, well, enlightening. Before I write a book in your comments section, just let me say thank you for sharing these thing, and articulating what so many of us are trying to navigate!
ReplyDelete