CARING TOO MUCH
I spent the first 50+ years of my life caring about too many unimportant things. I cared about what every person I encountered thought, I cared about whether they were judging me or finding me lacking, I cared about never wanting to fail or look foolish, I cared about being not enough or about being too much. I cared about everyone else's problems and how to solve them, and I cared about every world event that came on the news. I spread my energy everywhere, rather than conserving it for what really mattered.It's been exhausting trying to keep up with the thoughts in my head - and my inner critic who likes to keep whispering in my ear about all that I should be doing to save the world around me. It often held me back from speaking my thoughts, and it made me second guess myself constantly as I tried to walk a line that wasn't even real. Trying to be who I thought I needed to be, to behave in a way that I thought was 'right', to keep all my ducks in a row - it was all so normal, and all so draining....
TRYING TO NOT CARE AT ALL
FINDING A HEALTHY BALANCE
- Intentionality:
Being deliberate about where I direct my emotional energy - focusing on the important people in my life and not wasting time and energy worrying about the people around me who probably aren't even noticing what I'm doing, I loved this quote:
When you're 20 you care what everyone thinks. When you're 40 you stop caring what everyone thinks. When you're 60 you realize no one was ever thinking about you in the first place.
- Boundaries:
I've learnt what boundaries are and I'm working on establishing clear limits around triggering situations to protect my time, energy, and
well-being. I don't allow myself to get embroiled in drama and upset anymore - and I'm learning that I can't rescue every lost soul. I can care - but from a place of protection.
- Self-Care:
I've also finally admitted that I owe it to myself to prioitize my own needs, feelings, and well-being, because if I don't, I'll end up spiralling down and burning out. I'm of no use to myself or anyone I care about if I've over-extended myself and drained my own cup dry. I need to operate from a strong centered core of certainty and equanimity.
- World View:
A big one for me over the last few years is to take a breath and to be realistic about viewing world events with an understanding of what's within my control, and what needs to be understood without allowing it to weigh me down. I don't doom scroll, I don't get angry about issues that are beyond my limited scope, I have compassion - but I don't take on the burdens of what online algorithms try to bring into my world.
- Perspective:
SO FAR SO GOOD
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
For the very first time in my life I decided to eject a toxic person from my life rather than keep them on my bus. The reason? Disrespect. I can disrespect myself (even though I know I shouldn't) but I'm tired of allowing others to do it.
ReplyDeleteGo you! Jo - it's hard though isn't it? I find my heart still hurts when I think about the people I've needed to hold outside my boundaries. I feel less pressured and less 'performative' without them in my circle, but it's still sad to think that a) someone we know can behave badly, and b) that we have to kick them off the bus. Sending you a hug xx
DeleteLeanne, this post resonates with me. I have been a 'rescuer' and a people-pleaser most of my life but I have made a lot of progress about those issues but still have work to do. I had to let go of toxic people in my life as I was always upset about one thing or another and those people seem to enjoy seeing me in turmoil. It caused me burnout and I am still working on recovering. Some people thrive on drama because they lead empty lives and have nothing better to do. I don't watch the news, don't follow social medias (no Facebook). I seldom watch TV and I try to protect myself the best I can. I can't deal with a lot nowadays as my chronic pain has gotten worse and I am not receiving the care I need. I agree with everything you wrote and I feel understood. We have to take care of ourselves because nobody else will or even care. I am working on controlling what I can and leave the rest. Easier said than done. Thank you for sharing! Just what I needed to read this morning.
DeleteHi Yvonne, I'm so sorry that things aren't going well for you health-wise, chronic pain is a miserable thing to put up with every day and saps our energy and our ability to care about all the irritants of life. I think keeping your world small, having really strong boundaries about who you allow into your space, and living life gently really is the best way forward. I'm finding that those things work well for me, and I don't have the added weight of pain that you carry. I hope your day is pleasant and that there are small moments of joy to be found by living quietly and well. And thanks so much for visiting with me each Monday - I always enjoy hearing your perspective - it keeps me grateful and grounded. x
DeleteJo, I know what that feels like. Not easy but necessary for our well-being. We are hard enough on ourselves. As you stated, you don't have to accept disrespect from others. Stay strong!
DeleteHi Leanne. I still feel the need to follow what's going on in the world, and to express my opinion. I try not to let it consume me. I'm also still working on letting go of things that I can't control. Christina Daggett xx
ReplyDeleteHi Christina, it's fine if you need to do that, I just don't need to see it in my FB feed or anywhere I go to for joy. I scroll on by, or I'll unfollow someone who only shares divisive "news" - I just can't let myself be dragged down by things completely beyond my control or understanding. I guess it's a case of each to their own - and what we decide is important enough to invest our care factor into. x
DeleteHi Leanne, I’ve lived my life in the same way, always trying to fit in and get along. I’ve also been over sensitive to issues I have no control over. Since retiring I’ve noticed that I am less concerned about people I’ve had to bend to fit in with. It’s been such a relief to have this life shake up! The realisation that once I’ve stopped behaving this way how easily people drop away, as they’re not getting my attention with all their drama! I still care deeply about some of the world news but I’m realising there’s only so much I can do to make any change there. I only have so much mental energy these days that I’ve learned to use it where it matters most and not waste it in pointless and unnecessary drama. Wish I’d done this years ago, but I think retirement gives more clarity and choices about where we spend our time and energy. Chrissie x
ReplyDeleteHi Chrissie - you're so right about retirement and how it gives us the time to figure out what and where to invest our energy. I'm so grateful to not have to work with or for people I don't particularly like, and I'm grateful every day that I don't need to deal with drama anymore. In fact, I tend to be hyper-vigilant about anything that has a whiff of drama and I run for the hills - that goes for overly opinionated people, judgemental people, lazy people, and all the other people I used to try and please - not anymore, and I don't miss it. It's nice to invest myself where it matters and where it's appreciated. I think we might be on very similar journeys. xx
DeleteIt sure is an interesting thing this "life journey" we are on. Thanks for being so frank about yours & what you've learned.
ReplyDeleteIn becoming emotionally exhausted this year I've HAD to take on care of & for me as a first.
That's been HARD!
As a now reformed (only took 75 years) people pleaser I've recognised that I was behaving that way for people to provide me with praise & love.
It's sure been a game changer to learn to like & value myself.
I'm also noting just how many people I thought may have "cared about" me .. the ones I began connecting with in person when I first returned to Sydney..have not been in touch. One has & I value her friendship. Another couple have said contact us when you want to meet up again. what I've learned is that I am now self selecting what I CAN & WANT to do to remain self caring within my capacity. The HEAL method program I've mentioned from Alex Field in WA has been a truly supportive & innovate way for me to learn to care for me first & with compassion & kindness ... loved your post Denyse x
Hi Denyse - it's been really interesting following your HEAL journey and hearing how much stronger and more centered you are. I can hear your self-belief coming back, and it's so lovely. I completely agree about the discovery of people pleasing being about being liked or loved - but I think it comes from a place of feeling we needed to earn our worth and working hard in many areas to earn love and appreciation. Once we learn who truly loves us for who we are, the need to please seems to taper off and become more balanced. I've found the same thing with the need to be in control or to have all my ducks in a row - loosening my grip and allowing a few ducks to wander off really doesn't matter anywhere near what I thought it would! Life gets a lot simpler and easier when we begin to be kind to ourselves doesn't it? xx
DeleteWell, another post from you that so resonates with me because you address situations that I have been going through. When I look back on my younger years, I wish I had held this belief in my heart and mind. "Respect yourself, and listen to your wisdom. See situations for what they are. Stop making decisions and taking action because you THINK this is what you should do, because everyone else is doing it." I so yearned to be accepted, to be well-thought of, to be popular, or at least admired. I cared too much about things that were completely out of my control, yet for years (decades!), I was convinced they were. Old habits die hard; I still want to be well thought of. But like you, and many above, I have removed myself from sources of discord, frustration, and lack of respect. Moving across country in my 60's and needing to make new friends has been, well, enlightening. Before I write a book in your comments section, just let me say thank you for sharing these thing, and articulating what so many of us are trying to navigate!
ReplyDeleteHi Kristine - it's so interesting to me to hear from women who appear to be so capable and self-aware and self-assured.....only to find that we've all been learning so much about ourselves and discarding so many false beliefs along the way.
DeleteI too yearned for all the things you mentioned (and still do at times) but I'm also finding that I'm okay with my own company, with having fewer (but closer) friendships, and with finally figuring out that I can have boundaries that keep the difficult people at a slight distance. I've also found that the making of new friends is "enlightening" and I wish it was easier as I'd like to spread my circle - but I think I may lack the energy to invest in any more than the handful I've managed to sustain to this point. Getting older is certainly an interesting process! xx
Hi Leanne, I really like how you’ve described the specific areas where you’ve made inroads. They all resonate with me, and most particularly ‘intentionality.’ Learning to be intentional abut where I focus my energy and attention (and most importantly realising that I get to choose where I put my energy) has been so freeing. The quote you shared is brilliant and so true. xx
ReplyDeleteHi Sue - time and energy keep coming up in my thoughts and in my blog posts - I realize now that I just want to focus on what matters - not on superfluous stuff, or on relationships that aren't reciprocal. I want more depth and more peace these days - and both require careful curation of the resources I hold close to my heart. Small steps and lots of thought is how I seem to operate these days.... x
DeleteLeanne, I love the quote "When you're 60 you realize no one was ever thinking about you in the first place". Just last week, a friend asked me what people were saying about her. I desperately wanted to tell her that no one was talking about her, but that is a discovery we must make for ourselves. Happily, I crossed that bridge of understanding years ago. I feel like I have conquered self-care and setting boundaries (for the most part) and am now working on worldview.
ReplyDeleteThat one can be all-consuming these days if you let it. My challenge is to stay informed and open-minded, while acting responsibly (within my very narrow scope of influence) and avoiding over-saturation.
Hi Suzanne - it's a strange feeling to realize that we really take up very little realestate in other people's lives. When we figure that out, it frees us up to do what's appealing to our own natures and we can finally let some of that people pleasing and over-caring take a back seat. I shared a great quote (very paraphrased by me) on my FB page today about letting go of caring about the stuff that really doesn't matter and caring more about what does. That's my focus these days - and worldview-wise I like to stay aware, but to not let it drain me dry when I have no influence over it. x
DeleteI can relate – I have experienced the challenge of over care and resulting overwhelm. I have a promise to myself which I have written on a piece of paper and pasted at eye level at my writing desk. I actually read it out loud when I am writing in my journal in the early morning. Here it is.
ReplyDelete“I promise myself to do what is good for me, my physical health, and my emotional and mental well-being, so that I am realizing my dreams of writing, and doing creative art activities, and living a good life.”
Hi Judity - I love that little mantra. And I really think that living a good life is the key - it doesn't need to be a big life, or someone else's version of a good life - just us living well and living authentically to what really matters. And yes, less overwhelm and more balance makes all the difference to living well.
DeleteThis quote. "When you're 60 you realize no one was ever thinking about you in the first place". For some this realization is not all roses. Its not a matter of neglecting self care it's more about the shock that everything you have put your sweat into, may not have meant anything.
ReplyDeleteFor example, my husband just got bumped from his job (still employed but must move to a different department), he assumed he would have his position until retirement next year. Now, with bumping he is forced to realize he is not as important as he thought. He is currently on stress leave to try to manage. In my opinion, this time off is making it worse. Does he need self care, of course, but sudden change of plans is not much fun.
Hi - it's a big eye-opener when we realize that people look at us as "old" when we still feel valuable and that we bring a lot to the table. Letting go of that is so hard - and I think it's harder for those who have tied their identity to their work performance. Being sidelined can be so disheartening. I hope he finds his way through and that retirement comes quickly (maybe a bit sooner than he planned?) because retirement has been the gift that keeps on giving in our house - to finally be self-determining and not marching to the beat of the boss's drum....bliss.
DeleteAnonymous, I can relate. Many years ago my husband was let go of his job after 30 years of working with the same company (they call it downsizing).He was about to retire but was left with no severance package and no pension. People who he thought were his friends shunned him (that happens a lot) because they were afraid it would happened to them as if it was a contagious disease).Was very difficult as we had just bought a house and a car and suddenly no income but we survived and you will too. Very hard to accept as it's unfair but you will get through this. Sending you a big hug , hope and strength.
DeleteAnother timely post, Leanne! Thank you. Your insights about boundaries, world view, and perspective especially resonate with me. Yes, I definitely identify with that drained feeling and the (on-going) process of trying to find some balance. World events, news media, caring about things and people we have no control over... it's exhausting, isn't it? I've reached a point where I'm trying to claw back a sense of normalcy and peace. That has meant deactivating Facebook indefinitely, limiting the news, and making my inner circle smaller, along with a few other changes. I'm beginning to decompress, which perhaps is a stage that needs to precede the aforementioned normalcy and peace. :-) Thanks again for sharing your experiences and wisdom!
ReplyDeleteYour post sparked many thoughts. There's a burden in caring. It begins & ends with me. So much of my angst re: caring was connected to my need for recognition and what I was lacking, thinking I could find it externally. I need to be my own best friend, and I do mean best - to be kind & supportive & tolerant as I move forward in life. Then there's the serenity prayer - Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can & wisdom to know the difference.
ReplyDelete