WHEN COMPASSION FEELS OVERWHELMING
Life often brings things into my world that hurt my heart. As time moves along I bump up against hurting people, unfair outcomes, difficult situations, and inexplicable events that I don't understand. It's a little overwhelming at times when the pain from what's happening around me swamps my mind and crushes my spirit.
Recently this hit home very strongly, and I realized that I still have very porous boundaries when it comes to being touched by other people's pain...
TAKING OWNERSHIP OF WHAT'S NOT MINE
A few weeks ago a couple we know, tragically lost their teenage son in a boating accident. It was every parent's worst nightmare and has gutted all of us who know the family. It makes us all pause and feel grateful for our own children and that we've been spared from something terrible happening to them.
But, for me, there was an added layer where their loss had me quite unsettled and heart-sore because I kept thinking about the times when our own children had experienced close calls - car accidents, illnesses, and other life events. This couple's sadness seemed to sink into becoming my sadness, and I realized I was feeling something that wasn't mine to own, my empathy towards their pain had taken a turn into me over-thinking and dwelling on things that weren't about me personally, and I needed to step back from feeling so overwhelmed by it all.
OTHER TIMES OF POROUS BOUNDARIES
This got me thinking about other times when I've taken on feelings and experiences that weren't mine and made them into a cross that I didn't need to bear. It's good to feel for others, but not good to absorb it and make it into a personal upheaval.
Looking back at my previous work environment with a very emotionally messy co-worker, I can see now that I let her lack of boundaries flow over me and swamp my natural resilience. I had no understanding of boundaries or letting others be responsible for their own outcomes - I rushed to the rescue, shouldered the responsibility, and slowly sank under the weight.... I was taking ownership of something that wasn't mine to carry. It took a deeper emotional maturity than I had at the time to be able to support someone with her issues, without letting them drown me in the process.
Another time that came to mind was when a friend became extremely ill from contracting covid back in the days of lockdowns and isolation. She ended up in intensive care with her family unable to be with her as she battled her way back from a coma to a miraculous recovery. I remember feeling so helpless and imagining what her husband and children would have been feeling - and (being me) I transferred that feeling to my own husband and became insistent with him being up to date with his vaccines - something that he did for me at the time, but wasn't totally onboard with. Basically I panicked because I'd taken someone else's dire situation onboard and made it my own.
LEARNING BETTER COPING SKILLS
As time goes on, I'm beginning to understand the holes in my coping ability. I'm learning that I can have empathy and compassion for others without transferring their pain into my own life or circumstances. I don't need to lose sleep over the "what ifs" - I just need to trust that there is a bigger picture - bad things happen in our world, and I can be caring and supportive - especially when they hit close to home, but I don't have to let them sink into my soul and become personal.
Healthy relationships and responses are built around healthy boundaries - empathy doesn't have to become ownership. I've done a lot of work on my lack of self-differentiation and trying to separate my emotions from the emotions of those I'm close to. There's a saying:
You're only as happy as your least happy child.
and I can relate to that so much - but I'm also learning that there is always some unhappiness, some pain, some hurt, some unfairness happening in the world around me, and I just need to let that be without absorbing it or trying to figure out how to prevent it happening. I need to remember that "This too shall pass...."
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Do you feel too much? Do you find that your empathy for others can rebound into taking too much of it into yourself? Or am I just slow in finding my balance between feelings and boundaries? I'd love to know what you think in the comments.
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You are definitely not slow in finding your balance. I struggle with this too. I am often not as happy as I could be because I love and worry about others too much. I don't know if I will ever be able to change this. When my husband or other family members have upset about something, I take it into myself and want to make things better for them, but there is often nothing that I can do about it. I find it stealing my joy. I have been trying to mentally box it up and hand it over to God and this seems to help me a little. However, I still do struggle.
ReplyDeleteHi April - what you describe is exactly how I feel too. My husband tells me that I need to be able to hold some space around me so that I don't take on things that aren't mine to deal with.....easier said than done! Especially when it's people I care about, and family is even more of a battle. I'm grateful that those closest too me are all doing fine because it gives my emotions a break. And yes, handing it to God is the best response - and one I need to keep putting into practice - "let go and let God"...
DeleteOh, I can relate to much of what you’ve written, Leanne. In recent years I think I’ve shifted a bit away from empathy in the sense of taking on others’ feelings and burdens, which I’d done for much of my life, to more of a compassionate stance. By that I mean, providing support where I can but understanding more vividly that each individual has their own internal source of strength.Of course, this understanding waivers but I do find I’m much less likely to lose myself in others’ problems. Thanks as always for sharing your insights. Sue x
ReplyDeleteHi Sue - it's a journey isn't it? And finding that balance where we care but don't fall into the abyss of taking it all into ourselves. Each time I think I've gotten a better grip on it, I find a new situation throws itself into the mix and I have to pause and re-centre myself. Boundaries are such a new concept for me - but they are vital to keeping a degree of equilibrium (and equanimity) so I keep working on finding the balance - and one day I might find it's automatic. :) x
DeleteThank you for sharing this with us. Your deeper understanding of yourself, and as you say 'the deeper emotional maturity that allows you to set healthy boundaries'. I love that and I will carry that with me. I have had a friendship with a woman I met in our 30's. Over the decades, we have been friends through her move to another city, her divorce, her re-marriage and another move to another state. Phone calls, visits, notes were our connections. 8 years ago, she went head first over her bike handlebars (she was an avid triathelete.) She experienced severe brain trauma, spent over a month in ICU, and then more than a year in recovery. I had not spent much time with her over those 8 years, so I decided that visiting her in her new state to celebrate my 70th birthday was a great idea, and she agreed. We are no now longer friends. Over the course of the 5 day visit, there were too many blow-ups, incidents of controlling behavior, confrontive political questions, and enough internal questions of "why is she acting like this?". (To be fair, her personality beforehand had been a bit dominating and controlling.) I came home crushed. I journaled pages and pages about my feelings. I met with a therapist. Twice. My final communication with her was a get well card when she had knee surgery. It breaks my heart, because this was not her fault. Yet, I had to end our friendship to protect myself from her behavior and attitude.
ReplyDeleteOh Kristine I can feel your hurt from across the other side of the world. When friendships spiral into something like this it just cuts our heart out doesn't it? And then working through how to handle the relationship adds another layer. I'm so impressed with how you worked through it all, and I wish I'd had that much self-awareness back when I was being bombarded by my work colleague. I think I was so busy thinking I could rescue her that I forgot to rescue myself until it was almost too late. Cutting contact can be the only option, but it's a hard choice. I'm finding that hard choices are the key to growing stronger in knowing ourselves and being true to our values, but they are so tough to work through at the time. And yes, protecting our heart and knowing our limits plays a big part too. We'll get there eventually! x
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