WHEN I WAS YOUNGER
I seem to keep revisiting the concept of social capacity as I get older. I feel like I used to be more of an extravert in my 20's, 30's, and 40's - at least I thought of myself as an extravert back then... but now I wonder if I was just good at putting on a social face and fitting in with whatever was happening. I liked to be busy, I liked having friends, and I liked being included in what was was planned.
Now.... not so much....
WHEN DID THINGS CHANGE?
Looking back, I'm not sure when things changed. I think it might have been a gradual slide into understanding what I really needed, rather than what I thought I should be like or what I thought I should be doing. I remember all the commitments I used to juggle, the workload of my job, the volunteer positions, the evenings out, the kids' school and sporting involvement, and so much more.
But I can also remember the migraine headaches I'd have after a particularly busy week, the feeling of being all things to all people, and not very much to myself. I was so intent on pleasing everyone, on appearing to be able to do so much....and I had convinced myself that it was who I was - despite the headaches and the stress.
SOME PEOPLE THRIVE ON SOCIAL INTERACTION
I don't thrive on social interaction, and I especially struggle with large group gatherings. The thought of a 'ladies luncheon' gives me the shivers. I don't want to be invited to parties, to concerts, to reunions, to work dinners, or to girls' get-togethers. The bigger the crowd, the noisier the gathering, the greater my stress levels, and the faster a headache emerges. I feel like I'm looking for the escape route before I've even warmed a seat or had more than one conversation.
Sometimes I wonder if it's because I think other people think I should be more social because that's how they are. They're out joining clubs, going dancing, heading off on bus trips, going off for girls' days out etc. A small part of me would like to enjoy those things, but it drains me rather than filling my cup. One of the blessings of getting older is that I can admit things about myself and not feel the need to pretend to be someone I'm not.
MY LACK OF CAPACITY
Several years ago I wrote a post about being an Ambivert - it was a term I discovered that seemed to describe me:
An ambivert might be somewhat talkative, relatively assertive, and not exceptionally sociable or excitable. They might be moderately enthused by interacting with others and also slightly drained by the experience.
via Talkspace
What I'm finding now in my 60's is that my capacity seems to have diminished even further - from being "slightly drained" from socializing, to be completely drained. I've lost my social mojo somewhere in the last decade and I don't have the impetus to hunt it down.
KEEPING IT SMALL
Even though I'm not a fan of crowds anymore and I enjoy my own company, I don't want to be alone all the time either. I still really love a genuine interaction with like-minded friends and with my family. Nothing fills my tank more than time with our adult kids and their families - I love the commonality, the ease, and the warmth that comes with catching up with them. I also love spending time with my husband - he's a very interesting person who seems to still enjoy my company after 40+ years (phew!) And I also thrive on a great chat with a friend over a cup of coffee - one friend at a time, and preferably in a fairly quiet venue. My idea of community is smaller and more intimate these days.
It gladdened my heart to see a couple of quotes recently that made me feel like there were others out there who feel the same way:
I'm not a people person, I'm a person person. One person at a time please, and reservations are required in advance - we do NOT take walk-ins.
Jonathon Edward Durham
Small talk in crowded rooms isn't fun to me. I love thrift shopping, visiting oldbook stores, lingering in cosy coffee shops, and a drive while listening to music sounds amazing to me...Simple moments that feel calm and meaningful are what I crave.
Has your social capacity dimished with age? Or are you finding yourself more engaged and more social than when you were younger? Any tips on how to increase my social capacity?
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It amazes me how often what you share here is exactly so mirrors what I am writing in my journal! You feel like a long lost relative but I'm way over in South Carolina and not close (relationally) to any family! It's nice to feel understood when I read your blog. I am mid 50s and I would have always called myself a mostly-introvert, but I feel like my soul has grown quieter, or more comfortable with the quiet as I age. 20 years ago when we moved to a new state and knew no one, I faked extroversion long enough to make friends and it worked. Now this year, we just moved again, and I am realizing it's harder to meet people but I'm also less feeling the need, though I believe we are made for community so I'm trying to make some efforts! Still most days I'm very content with my husband, my dog and my garden!
ReplyDeleteHi Lizzy - I'm surprised too when I come across people who read my blog and are living similar journeys. I've found that my friendship circle has gotten even smaller since I retired and I kept telling myself I needed to try harder to make new connections because "it's good for me". But, now I'm just owning the fact that less is more for me - I have a few friends, a lovely husband, my (very independent) adult kids, and my own thoughts to keep me company. I'm happy puddling around, and I think contentment with our own company is very under-rated in this busy society we live in. Maybe it's a secret that some of us have discovered and get to enjoy? :)
DeleteAre we twins? I'm with you Leanne, I prefer one friend at a time, maybe two. When I was younger I socialized more but most times I could not wait for the event to be over. Also, like you I enjoy spending time with my husband of 40+ years. We share a love for Jazz and Beach. I have no tips for you to increase your social capacity, do you really need to if you are content?
ReplyDeleteHi Linda - you are so right about letting go of the idea that we need to be super social. I think "social" media gives us the impression that we need to have lives that are super engaged and interesting. But, maybe there are those of us who just love sitting in the quiet with a good book, or having a connected conversation that doesn't get interrupted, and that's perfectly okay... I like knowing that I'm not alone in feeling this way - so thanks for the encouragement. :)
DeleteI am so grateful, yet again, for you taking the time to share your thoughts. I am with you and the women that have already commented. I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me, that I was getting stuck in my ways or not able to keep up. I loathe large crowds- the proximity of so many random people is uncomfortable for me. Unfortunately my husband has had inappropriate concerns with other women and this has deeply impacted our relationship. I find a lot of solace with my group of women friends. I thank God for these friends. Reading the comments and your insights helps me to feel ok about saying no to situations that i would say yes to and then dread going to . 🙏
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you found it helpful and affirming. When I was writing it I wondered if I was alone in feeling this way because so many women seem to be living large, extraverted lives, and I just want to live a small, cosy one. I value incredibly the few women friends I have who are genuinely invested in my life - the ability to share and to know it's a safe place is such a blessing.....but that never happens in a large group situation. I feel like I've had a dozen disjointed conversations that are dominated by the loudest voices, and I just can't do that anymore. I'm so sorry that your husband isn't one of your safe places, but thank goodness for good friends. I love being a "person person" rather than a "people person" these days and I want to own that more and be less apologetic about it (especially to myself!) It's so good to know that there are others who are feeling the same way. :)
DeleteI used to thrive on going to new places and seeing everyone. But life happens. With a late onset disability, I now have to be mindful of crowded places and accessibility. What is an easy meet-for-lunch promoted by my more agile friend means an online search of the new café only to discover it has flimsy outdoor seating or inaccessible picnic tables. So, nada. The world constricts by necessity. I still value my friendships but have had to face a reality that some do not understand because they have never had to think like that. So I do what I can but mostly view from afar. A simpler life. A smaller world. But every so often, I take a faraway "Google" drive via Google Maps and see places I may never see in person but can now view the world over! The benefit & joy of today's technology!🫶👏
ReplyDeleteHi Allison - I loved that Google drive you do - something a little bit fun without leaving the comfort of home. I hadn't thought about accessibility but I can see exactly what you're struggling with - maneuvering through crowded cafes or difficult seating options would definitely add another layer onto socialising. I hate squeezing between seats and I see people with walkers finding it hard to get to a seat or to find somewhere to park their walker while they sit - it often feels easier to stay home and put the kettle on in peace these days.
DeleteAnother post of relevance and interest for me too Leanne. Over these past 18 months I have learned a lot about me. The emotional exhaustion that kept me mostly home bound let me know that I was 'worn out' by the standards of behaviours I thought I had to keep up. The 'pleasing others' to get to appointments and catch ups. I have slowly untangled myself from this, and at 76 I am not seeking any 'extra stimulation' socially as I got so worn down and out by it. I was an extravert by definition I guess, but maybe too, it was a confident role I played both in my career in education and socially. Right now, pleasing me first is proving helpful but I still want people to like me 'even if I am not pleasing them ! Ha. Thanks Leanne.
ReplyDeleteHi Denyse - it's interesting how we change and maybe settle into a more comfortable 'skin' as we get older and figure out what works for us now vs what used to work. I remember all the social occasions I went to when I was younger - and how important it was to be connected and engaged, now I feel more able to pick and choose where I connect and on what level. A large social function is still do-able, but it needs to be one that is important to me - not just something I feel like I "should" attend. I certainly don't miss work events and other large gatherings - give me small and invested over mingling and playing the social game. We all know what feels right and it's nice to be able to have the autonomy to choose now. :)
DeleteFrom one ambivert to another ….really interesting & affirming thank you ⭐️
ReplyDeleteI think ambiverts are a lot more common than either end of the spectrum - there are a lot of us who can put on a social face, but it takes effort - and I'm more particular where I put my energy these days. I know it's good to be social, but I prefer it to be a lot more low key these days :)
DeleteGenerally, I like to be on my own, or at best with one or two close friends. I have always been less of a person who likes to spend time with lots of friends.
ReplyDeleteRecently, I began going to a less crowded park, and I felt quite good about it.
Hi Pradeep - I think I did bigger social groups when I was younger because that was the "norm" - now I just can't be bothered unless there's a really good reason for it. Give me a quiet park or a quiet cafe any day - lower noise, lower stress equals more enjoyment.
DeleteHi Leanne, as you know, I’m fairly new to retirement. I have felt the need to put in extra effort to meet up with friends, as I’ve been worried that these friendships will fizzle out if I don’t. I’ve also gone along to a few short craft courses to see if I meet any like minded people. However I’ve found they’re usually full of people who go along with a friend already! I don’t consider myself an extrovert but once I’m out with a friend I usually enjoy the meet up. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve also found a couple of friendships aren’t what I thought they were. I also know it’s good for us to have friends. I visit my elderly mum a couple of times a week and help out where I can and take her out and about. Mostly I love time spent with my partner of over 30 years and he seems to enjoy our new found freedom in retirement too! We love pottering at home and in our garden. So perhaps that’s where I’ll be happily spending most of my time. Chrissie
ReplyDeleteHi Chrissie - I think it sounds like you're figuring out a lot of what I've been experiencing over the last few years as I've settled into being retired. It takes more effort to make and maintain friendships - so some will fizzle out due to lack of reciprocation, or clashing priorities etc. I've found that family + a few close friends is enough for me - large group events are just too much and leave me feeling tired and overwhelmed. I just seem to have less energy to invest in groups that take from my tank rather than adding to it. I still keep my eyes peeled for something new to engage with, but so far I've struck out in that area...
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