REACHING OUT OR REACHING IN
I saw a quote a while back on Tiny Buddha that said:
On my darkest days I couldn't reach out.Let's stop telling people to reach out,And start to reach in.
It struck a chord in my heart as I look back on the times I struggled with my difficult job, and with another environment I was in that had become untenable for me. When I think about it all now, I spent too much time reaching out, and took far too long to start reaching in...
REACHING OUT IN THE UNTENABLE
During the years of my very difficult workplace situation, I talked about it too much to a few close confidantes. It felt like I was trying to vent the build-up of stress and frustration that was constantly spinning in circles inside my head. This was a form of reaching out for me, where I was seeking something from those I engaged with - some affirmation that I wasn't alone in what I was dealing with.
The trouble with that scenario was that I was looking in some way to be rescued from the mess I'd found myself participating in. I kept hoping that someone would offer me that perfect kernel of advice to solve the problem and smooth the waters. The problem with that way of thinking is I assumed other people would have insight into the situation that only an insider would have, they couldn't help me because they were in a completely different place in their lives.
WHEN REACHING OUT ISN'T THE ANSWER
I found a similar issue when I was dealing with the fallout from losing connection with a different group I was involved with. Trying to explain something that was deeply hurting my heart to others who had a different set of expectations and perceptions left me feeling like a voice crying in the wilderness. It all felt defeating and draining. Talking got me nowhere.
We're told to reach out to others for support, we're told that a burden shared is a burden halved.....but that depends on who you're sharing it with. If the other person doesn't understand, or dismisses the problem, then it feels like the burden is added to rather than reduced.
LEARNING TO REACH IN
Once I stopped looking for easy solutions to those situations from others, I found the idea that Tiny Buddha suggests was actually the most workable for me. I learned to trust my gut more, to stop looking for validation for how I was feeling, and to start taking responsibility for what I'd have to do to lift my own burden and move forward, I began to reach inwards, and I found there were three different aspects I needed to address:
1. Self-Reflection:
Reaching in meant looking at why certain things triggered me, but didn't impact another person the same way. I realized it came down to different values, perceptions, and expectations about life, and I had to figure out what my core values were to understand why they were being encroached upon.
2. Self-Care:
Reaching in meant prioritizing my own mental and emotional health. I had to say "enough and no more" to what was upsetting me, to draw that line in the sand and to step away physically from the situations that were causing me pain. It meant time alone and time in the sanctuary of my home - living a peaceful life free from chaos and upset.
3. Inner-Work:
Reaching in meant doing the work that was needed to get my resilience back. I needed to honour my own needs, I needed to create boundaries, I needed to stand up and be prepared to stand alone if necessary. I needed to put on my big girl pants and step up to what felt right for me, rather than putting all that aside to keep the peace and keep up appearances.
HOW THAT ALL LOOKS NOW
When I did that inner work, when I regained my resilience and my equanimity, when I started showing up for myself, life got back on track. The sun came out and my self respect resurfaced. Life became good again.
Here's another quote that sums up how I feel today after doing that work:
.jpg "Showing up for yourself looks like Having the uncomfortable but necessary conversations that bring clarity.")
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Are you so well supported that you can reach out to those around you without needing to do the work yourself? Or have you found it's a mixture of both - friends and self-care combined? Which comes first - the reaching out, or the reaching in?
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I struggle with reaching out, which means I sometimes miss the perspective of others and feel like I have to do everything myself. My challenge is to know when to reach out.
ReplyDeleteWe're all different aren't we Jo? I've always been someone who needs to talk stuff through (or write it through - hence the blog!) so learning to keep things more contained and to figure it out in my own way has been an interesting journey.
DeleteHi Leanne. I can understand where you are coming from. When Tim and I were going through family stuff, we were in it together, and we could support each other. Then came the internal work. I had to build up my self-esteem in order to get to the point where I was all right with me. I had to learn that the way I was being treated had nothing to do with me. Then I could finally move past it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. ♥️
ReplyDeleteHi Christina - I think it's vital to have people in our lives who are trustworthy and who we can share our struggles with. To balance that, we also need to do the internal work that makes us less "needy" for want of a better word. Nobody wants to be the person who drains the energy out of the room every time they open their mouths - and I love not being that person anymore! :)
DeleteThis is such a thought-provoking post, Leanne. And such a great question at the end...to which I don't have an automatic answer. I think for me, reaching in comes first but after that, it is a definite mixture. <3
ReplyDeleteHi Donna, I think I had to do a lot of work on myself before I had anything within to reach for. I felt that others had more insight than I gave myself credit for - what I needed was to trust my gut and my own life experience and build on that - then ask for help if someone had something extra to offer - I think that's the mixture you're talking about - balance comes when we get the mix right. x
DeleteA refreshing new theme. 'Reaching in' is something new I have heard, though we all have heard of 'reaching out'. For some 'reaching out' might be easy, but tough for others. However, 'reaching in' should be easy for all, since we are dealing with ourselves and not anyone else. The self-connection is so important, and from that stems everything else. For me, self-care comes first. Then friends and reaching out comes later.
ReplyDeleteHi Pradeep - I think you said it well that we need to have a healthy self-connection to be able to reach inward and find the resources we need. Maybe when our sense of self is low it's harder to find that centeredness that we need to move forward, and that's where outside support helps get us through.
DeleteHi Leanne, I know exactly what you mean. Since I’ve retired though and with reflection, no one knows better than we do about our own situations and how they affect us personally. I used to pour my heart out to a couple of my close friends and leave feeling that they didn’t understand my dilemma, which resulted in me feeling even worse. I’m sure that wasn’t their intention, it was me hoping for solutions that I’d not thought of or for validation for the way I felt. I read somewhere that we should treat ourselves as we would treat a good friend, I take that to mean being kind to ourselves and trusting our own judgement in tough situations. I think deep down we already know the answers, we just need to believe in ourselves. Once we do, our confidence grows.
ReplyDeleteHi - yes, I think there's a degree of confidence and trust we need to have in ourselves and our ability to address difficult situations and find our way through. I think I lacked that inner assuredness and kept talking about things in the hope that the lightbulb would come on and I'd find the perfect solution.
DeleteMaybe there is no easy solution and it's just giving us the opportunity for growth and maturity by steadily working our way through and building up that inner resilience? I'm hoping that the next time I hit a wall I'll have the inner resources to get over it without needing to reach out as often...
I think this post, like many of yours, is very pertinent and timely for me. I’m grappling with something and keep putting off even sensibly thinking about it for myself. Instead I talk to friends but am aware that I’m talking too much without really thinking how it affects me and what to do about it. don’t want become a boring drain either. I had thought that today I would sit down and write about it in a journalling type scrawl. Just let thoughts come up unimpeded. Having read your post I am definitely going to do it … I’m going to reach inside of me. Even just writing this comment feels good. So thanks. I really enjoy your blog even if sometimes the content makes me squirm as I recognise myself so much.
ReplyDeleteHi Gillie - if it makes you feel any better, having someone else say "me too" makes me feel like I'm not doing this stuff alone and I'm not weak or lacking something in myself to have hoped that there was an outside solution to a difficult set of circumstances.
DeleteI think we have an idea of what we need to do, but maybe not the courage or certainty to go ahead and do it. Reaching out is where we hope to find the affirmation that we're on the right track - but when they don't really get it, we're left back at square one and questioning ourselves even more. I'm going to trust myself more next time - and act with confidence rather than second guessing myself..... well that's the plan anyway. I hope your journalling brings some resolution for you - I'm cheering you on from here!
I so admire your strength and tenacity to see this life stuff through Leanne. Great going! Lessons learned the hard way seem to stay with us. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability, the times that were hard, and how you made things work for you with your own research, and learning. Denyse x
ReplyDeleteHi Denyse - I think sometimes we have to stop talking stuff to death, and start stepping up. The trouble is that by the time we realize this we're usually pretty drained and weary - but putting it off and hoping to be rescued will never produce the results we need - only we can do that.
DeleteThis was so well articulated...I appreciate the step-by-step process you went through and shared with us. Like others have written, I recently went through a similar situation, and it took a little too long for me to recognize that my expectation was a big part of the problem. I still held on to a bit of confusion, and maybe a little hurt feelings, but at this age, I have finally learned to let that stuff go. My term (2 years) as President of my women's group ended in May, and I have gleefully jumped into throwing my time and attention at myself, and my mental, emotional and physical health. I will eventually get over the small degree of resentment I still feel, but am very much enjoying being the new President of my own, personal fan club!
ReplyDeleteHi Kristine - thank you so much for your kind words - and yes, I totally get that hurt you're talking about. When you invest a lot of yourself into something, it's even harder to walk away from it with no emotional or mental fallout - the bigger the investment, the bigger the fallout IMHO. I think part of us wants those around us to rally to our cause and to offer solutions, but sometimes we just have to stop talking the talk and just walk the walk - away and hopefully onto better things. It's tough - but the heart heals and we grow from the experience - onward and upward! x
DeleteThank you Leanne for such a relatable post For me, the reaching out comes first but as you mentioned if the other person don't understand or dismisses the problem, then it feels like the burden is added to rather than reduced. I can relate when you also mentioned that it left you feeling like a voice crying in the wilderness. Such a great description. I have been there so many times. Now I know that I can share certain things with some people and not others. Sometimes talking got me nowhere and like you I started to do some self-reflection, self-care and inner work. I am learning to rely more on myself than others for the reasons I mentioned above. Many self-help books have helped me a lot and certainly your blog has helped me also. Many thanks to you! Your post is just what my heart needed today. 🧡
ReplyDeleteHi Yvonne - I'm so glad you found my post helpful and I hope you continue to grow in your resilience and strength. It can be so tough when we reach out to others and they can't help, or don't understand, or are just tired of us talking about something all the time. We're looking for support, and they're pushing us away to maintain their own mental health.
DeleteWhen we give ourselves the credit of knowing that we have the ability to reason through a situation and figure it out for ourselves, that's when the healing begins. It would be nice if it was an overnight resolution, but the bigger stuff takes time and repetition to get through. I think that it can leave scars, but they're battle scars and they show our growth and how far we've come. Being rescued doesn't give us that same outcome - so we're doing well learning to fight our own battles. x
I have found great value in reaching out. Not that I take everyone's "advice", but often their perspective has given me insight into my own feelings, triggers, and boundaries (or lack of them). So I guess for me its a mixture - knowing my triggers, accepting my feelings, doing the self-care, but also reaching out for some validation I'm not alone, for different perspective, and often for some support and boost. Often others can see the situation with better clarity than I can, being so close to it.
ReplyDeleteIt was so odd also, when I saw that quote on Tiny Buddha, I read it totally different. I read it as maybe we should reach in to others, instead of waiting for them to reach out to us. And I thought about the hurricane disaster and how so many folks struggled to reach out, and how many people wanted to help but didn't know how. I did reach out, and was amazed at how many people stepped up to help. And they've told me, they know how to reach in for these types of disasters...what types of support to offer. Anyway, interesting how you read the quote differently!
Hi Pat - I read the quote both ways, but for me it reminded me that I can't keep talking about something forever and I can't expect other people to solve my problems. I can talk something to death, but ultimately (after airing it out) I needed to step up and do the work myself. I think reaching out to others is vital to know that we're on the right track, but there comes a time when we need to also reach in and do the work on ourselves (much as you've done throughout the process you're going through).
DeleteWhat I like about quotes is they nudge me to think about things more deeply. If they resonate in some way it's because they're speaking to something I'm tussling with and they can make me look at it with new eyes. I also like that I can read a quote a few years later and it doesn't hit me at all - so that feels like growth has happened and I've moved forward....which is always good to know. :)
Hi Leanne. What a thoughtful post that really resonates with me. That deeper listening to what’s inside has become so important to me
ReplyDeleteHi Judi - I think when we stop talking and start listening, we discover that we have resources of our own that we weren't brave enough to explore. Once we give ourselves a little credit, we find we often have the answers to our own problem and can move forward with certainty - something it took me far too long to figure out!
DeleteI always appreciate reading your perspective and insights, Leanne. Thank you for sharing your experiences. They are so relatable, and thought provoking. I’m someone who almost never reaches out to others (although I’m incredibly grateful for the good friends who have helped and supported me when I needed it, even when I didn’t reach out). I’ve always reached inward, but I have found that as I’ve become more compassionate with myself, I’m much more trusting of my own inner knowing, and am also trying to open up a bit more. (Writing is helping).
ReplyDeleteHi Sue - I think we all handle upsets and stress differently - some internalize and some talk it to death (I was a talker - and still am!) Looking for support from others is healthy, expecting them to have all the answers isn't, and that's something I've had to come to terms with - stepping up and doing the hard work myself rather than hoping someone would do it for me. The payoff is that we find depths in ourself we'd never know about if we hadn't done the work - and yes, writing is very helpful and it's probably why I'm still here hammering away on my keyboard 10 years or so after beginning the blog. :)
DeleteHi Leanne, I'm someone who needs to vent, not necessarily to get answers or help but to get it out of my head! I talk or write and I often feel better but I get the reaching in side of things too. We're all different but it does matter who it is we're speaking to about these private thoughts. Great post!
ReplyDeleteHi Deb - I totally get being a venter - it's something I do a lot too - just getting it out of my head and trying to make sense of it all. The trouble for me is that I then think it should begin to make more sense, and sometimes it just doesn't. That's when I need to talk less and to spend some time trying to figure out why I'm being so impacted.
DeleteIt's definitely a combination of reaching in and out for me - I need a trustworthy sounding board, but I also need to take responsibility for why I'm feeling triggered or challenged and figure out where I need to go. It's an interesting mix isn't it?
This was such a thoughtful and insightful post, Leanne. For me, even though I have a good support network, there are times (many times) when I need to reach in and do the work you've discussed here. I do feel better when I can talk to others, but it's more about the opportunity to put my thoughts into words and felt heard...not so much trying to get the answer from outside. Of course, in all honesty, there have also been times in my life when I just wanted the perfect solution handed to me. It never happened.
ReplyDeleteHi Christie - you said it all perfectly and summed up a lot of my thoughts. I don't think it's an either/or situation when we're under pressure or facing change, I think we often need both - the courage to trust our own gut, but also the sounding board of a few trusted friends to make sure we're heading in the right direction. It's a blessing to have those people in our life isn't it? :)
DeleteHi Leanne, we have had this conversation before (it's an important one), and I agree that becoming self-reliant and independent thinking is paramount to navigating healthy relationships. If we are constantly bending to the needs of others instead of guarding our own, bitterness will develop. Most of us are a work in progress on that front.
ReplyDeleteAfter years of being the one who walks away and disconnects from toxic situations, I had a recent altercation where the 'tribe' stepped up to defend me, and the aggressor has now been removed from the group. I felt sad that it happened (can't we all just get along?), but having women support and defend me felt good. Growth is possible, even at our age.
Here's hoping the third time's a charm. Two comments have now disappeared into cyberspace. Ugh! Ditto to everything you've said. You know where I stand on this subject. I will share a recent success story - an altercation in a social group escalated to the point of me considering dropping out (one individual made our fun time miserable), but miracles do happen; the group stepped up and supported me. The offender was removed from the group. It was a sad situation, but I will admit that it felt good to be vocally and unanimously supported by others. Growth can happen at any age.
ReplyDeleteHi Suzanne - you didn't disappear into cyberspace - just into moderation because any posts of mine that are more than a week old get moderated to keep the bots at bay :) And good on you for standing strong and how cool that the group backed you instead of turning a blind eye to what was going on.
DeleteI've been watching from the sidelines as the group we left (due to weak and ineffectual leadership issues) is now floundering with some people stepping up and others wringing their hands at the idea of confrontation. It's messy and I'm so glad we stepped away when we did. Sometimes we just have to dig deep and go with our gut - speaking up, and being true to what our heart is pushing us towards. There'll be another post on this stuff down the line I'm sure - it's something that keeps coming back around until I work through it all! x